Falling behind is an awful feeling.  How did I get here, all tied up?  Pride hurts like hell, head hurts from thinking, heart heavy inside from not feeling adequate.

 

I keep stalling out, I just can’t keep up.  There’s alarming doubt, am I good enough?  But you keep coming around to convince me it’s still far from over.

 

I don’t know why I thought I could do something like this.  Why did I assume I was cut out for it?  Why didn’t someone tell me that getting a degree like this was really really hard?  I would have to quit everything else in my world at this point to get by in this field of study.  Maybe I need to do that.  I trust God, but I don’t trust myself even a little.  I do not understand what I’m learning.  The math is way over my head but everyone else gets it.

 

Sean’s recent post was heavily convicting the other night when I first read it.  I’m created to be a musician.  Music makes sense to me.  Physics is like a language I don’t speak.  It would be an amazing blow to my pride to bow out of the program and chase music, but if God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble, maybe there will be grace for me?

 

I say all these things all the time.  This thought process is alive and spinning in my mind all the time, even though I never act on it.  I claim that I want to drop out, but I won’t.  At least not for now.  Can’t imagine the repercussions of a decision like that.

 

Pray for me, friends.  I’m a fool for having such ambition without the natural capacity to achieve it.