I’m in a constant state of questioning my whole life.  There is almost nothing I hold on to tight enough not to leave at the drop of a hat if God’s will suddenly came clear.  Nothing in the world would bring me more joy right now than to hear a voice suddenly in my room, “JD, this is God.  You are called to missions, go to (insert country)” or “JD, this is God.  Music is what I have for you. It glorifies me and you have my blessing in it.”  I would instantly clear everything else in my life out of the way to run headlong into God’s spoken plan.

 

But that’s not how this works, is it?  Instead I struggle through his will for me.  Through expensive and exhausting trial and error I find out in little ways what his plan looks like.  My lack of faith is made clear in this, I am afraid of my future.  I’m terrified that I’m gonna mess it up.  I look up from my bench in the Lory Student Center food court at hundreds of other kids who are working like crazy to build futures for themselves.  They bustle about, eating Panda Express as they highlight portions of lecture notes they took this morning.  Full of ambition, full of motivation.  Looking down at a Grilled Stuft Burrito (Taco Bell’s greatest work IMO), I battle through thoughts like “They’re probably way ahead of me”, and “What am I even doing here?”

 

I want to be excited and ambitious about what I’m doing.  I want to be overwhelmed by it.  I want it to feel like music feels.  Music is inside and outside me.  All around.  It makes me so excited, it gives me a feeling nothing else does.  In late August this year I blogged about my shameless musical soundtrack, a principal I stand firmly behind.  I need my education to be something of that degree or else it will always just fall to music as a “back up plan”.  Not okay!! But God is good and he says in Jeremiah 29:11 that his plan for me is good.  I need to put more faith in that.  Really.

 

Struggling through God’s plan for my life now will leave me more satisfied and more thankful when it finally becomes clear.  When I’m settled with a job, a house, and a family, I know I will look back and be glad that everything happened the way it did.  Yes it’s hard on my mind right now, but that will prove worth it later.

 

Happy Thanksgiving, by the way!